My second baby, a daughter, was born in April 1988. She was a chubby, happy, and apparently healthy little baby. When she was first born, she had puffy eyes, and I asked the nurse what that was from. She answered with, "she must have got some of the fluid in her eyes during the birth process." That made sense to me, yet I still had a bit of niggle inside me that something wasn't quite right.
When she was about 3 months old, I visited my Mum, and while there, I took my daughter to two doctors because she cried/screamed when I fed her from the left breast. I described it as if she had a sore face. The doctors did their regular checks of her nose, ears, and throat, to which nothing showed up. I knew there was something wrong but didn't know who to see or what it actually was. I knew it had to do with her face.
During our 6-month check-up with our local baby clinic, the nurse suggested that usually, by now, any turn in an eye would have rectified itself. I also mentioned the trouble I had on our holiday. She suggested I get it checked by a doctor. I went from there down to the local doctor. I have a vague memory his examination entailed the same checks as I went through while at Mum's place. Still, he didn't recognize what he saw because I had to wait two weeks to see a specialist.
The day to see the specialist arrived “your baby has cancer in her eye.”, and OMG that day, my whole being was edgy! I found it hard to sit still, impossible to concentrate, and I felt a sense of dread. The specialist we saw, I will never forget his face as he had to tell us what he found. He was so kind and gentle, and I could see how difficult it was for him. He said some words to the effect of your baby has cancer in her eye. I said, straight back to him, "Is it in both eyes"? He really didn't want to tell me (but I already knew at some level), he finally said "Yes." The next question I shot at him was, "Is she going to die." Poor bloke – I felt the immense discomfort he was in. I have no idea what his response was. I now know I had dissociated.
Then we went on the whirlwind ride of cancer and the medical model. That's another story for another time.